Struggling To Feel Beautiful

So following up from last weeks blog post | Can Beauty Come In All Shapes And Sizes? Yes it can, but right now I dont feel beautiful! I write these blog posts with honesty and attention, so I dont want to give any wrong impressions or sound hypocritical but it's easier to talk the talk than it is to walk the walk.

Anyone who knows me deep down knows I have a front, I paint a smile on my face and say I'm okay when deep down I want to cry and say no you know what I'm not okay. It sounds stupid typing it out but it's what I've done for years so its kind of hard getting myself to accept that its okay not to be okay.

A few days ago my dad asked me if I wanted to go out with him (only to the local shops) and before I left I felt like I had to put on a face of make up. I could not have gone out without it. As I was putting my make up on I began to cry because it hit me, for years I've felt uncomfortable going out in public without make up.

It's not so much that I care about what other people think it's more about my confidence, it's about my mind set and how I see myself. If I dont feel comfortable I am instantly paranoid that everyone is looking at me, when realisticlly they wont be, they will be getting on with their day to day business.

My weight plays a huge part in my lack of confidence, so look at it this way 60% of my confidence is taken away by me hating my body and how it looks with and without clothes on, so make up to me balances out that high percentage of not feeling body confident. It's almost a safety barrier to me.

Make up shouldn't be a mask, it shouldn't be put on everyday to cover my natural features. I want to limit the products I use and how often I use them. One day I hope I am able to say I am truly happy and I am truly confident

I am on a journey to self love and acceptance, one that is going to take a lot of time, hard work and practice. I write blogs to help myself and others but I also write blogs to track my thought process. Whenever I am in need of a kick up the backside, or a reminder I always read back my blogs.

I am beautiful, you are beautiful, together we are.. BEAUTIFUL